Labours of Baldcules

Slay the Nemean Lion.
            I can't get up right now, I'll do it later.
Slay the nine-headed Lernaean Hydra.
            I swear, tomorrow I'll get out of bed.
Capture the Golden Hind of Artemis.
            How the fuck am I supposed to do this,
            I can't do this.
Capture the Erymanthian Boar.
            I wonder how long it's physically  possible to sleep.
Clean the Augean stables in a single day.
            I can't even clean myself, I'm such a loser.
Slay the Stymphalian Birds.
            Everyone knows what a loser I am, I can't face them.
Capture the Cretan Bull.
            Why can't everyone just leave me alone, I just want to
            be left alone.
Steal the Mares of Diomedes.
            Eurystheus must have told Hera what a fuck up I am.
            She's got to be pissed off.
Obtain the girdle of Hippolyta.
            What is Hera going to do to me now. Fuck, I just want to sleep.
Obtain the cattle of the monster Geryon.
            This sucks, I don't know what to do.
Steal the apples of the Hesperides.
            I can't beleive they haven't checked on me. I could be dead
            for all they know, that's fucked up.
Capture and bring back Cerberus.
            Obviously they don't care if I am dead or alive. Fuck them
            and their bullshit labours, I'm going back to bed.